What do you do when you need to speak your mind, but you know it’s going to fall on deaf ears? So frustrating!
If you’re like I once was — you might say it anyway, consequences be damned. Yeah, that goes well. Really well.
Multi-dimensionality rocks
But you know what? I learned. I learned that trying to force someone to hear me isn’t a useful practice. I learned that trying to get someone to change, to operate differently is not likely to foster connection and collaboration. And I learned that dumping my anger on someone who isn’t available to work through things, own their part, seek new ways of interacting, is a whole lot of wasted energy. So I stopped.
The good news? There is another way. And it can have extraordinary results.
We’re much more diverse and grand than we sometimes realize. We are multi-dimensional. We’re not just personalities in ‘meat suits’ (do you dislike that phrase as much as I do?), we’re far bigger than that.
A Little Backstory
At one point in my life, I was enraged, truly enraged by the father of my son. We’d separated when my son was two, under some difficult circumstances. He was indecisive, spiteful, cheap and fear-based throughout the divorce negotiations. When the two-year drama was over, I was exhausted and on fire with rage.
Whenever he called to check in with my son, I was hostile, mean-spirited and disrespectful. And those were some of my nicer behaviors!
Needless to say, we didn’t make a lot of headway in learning how to co-parent, to put the past behind us, to work toward a new relationship that would benefit my son.
Until I learned a new skill, a way of engaging from a larger awareness of self, interacting with my ex’s larger awareness.
It was a game changer. It took a while for my ex to realize that I was no longer likely to front load every interaction with rage. He’d behave in a wary, guarded manner, and then realize my hostility was absent. I was polite, contained and friendly. Our relationship changed completely, and we were able to co-parent with only occasional minor skirmishes. He’s still cheap, by the way, but that’s his problem, not mine.
You can do this too!
If learning this skill is of interest to you, stick around. It’ll be coming right up as part of a new course that Ellen and I are introducing in the next few weeks – Feeding Your Spiritual Practice: A Buffet of Delicious Resources. We’re almost ready to launch; so in the next few weeks, we’ll be sharing what’s on the menu in our weekly posts and email. If you’re not on EHI’s list, you may want to join, because let me tell you – there’s some absolutely delicious things launching.
