Recently I got an inquiry from a participant in several of the energy healing training programs EHI offers. She wanted some suggestions for a colleague struggling to survive the dismantling of a marriage while being financially obligated to live under the same roof with her future ex-spouse. The relationship between the two is acrimonious, messy, and stressful.
Here’s some ideas:
- Maintaining clear energetic boundaries is essential in a dissolving marriage. There are lots of wounds, triggers, ego issues, values, judgments that are counterproductive to the couple finding their way to individuation and letting go. Clear energetic boundaries go a long way to supporting a separation from other – even if the ‘other’ is still living in the house.
- Clearing cords with the spouse; sending his energy back, reclaiming her energy so that the ‘hooks’ that cause conflict can be minimized and the charge can be decreased.
- Psychic conversations – lots of them – that allow her to get out of her system what needs to be said, without saying it directly. The psychic conversation takes place at a higher level of self – the essence of the individual engages with the essence of ‘other’ in a no holds barred dialogue. Thus, the anger, the hurt, the disappointment, the venting that is tempting to participate in at a face-to-face level gets deflected to the essence level.
[As a sidebar, this was one of the most powerful tools I used following my divorce. My ex-husband and I had such different values, beliefs, ways of seeing the world. We were perpetually in conflict and we raged at one another.
When I learned the psychic conversation, I stopped raging at him directly, and took it to the essence level. I worked out every conflict that I had with him there. It created space for me to heal within myself, and to stop amplifying and instigating the hateful, distressing, disrespectful ways that we treated one another. And it protected my son from feeling pulled or dumped on by either of his parents.]
Here’s how it works:
Sitting quietly, with your emotions contained (perhaps coiled!) within yourself, imagine ‘other’ sitting across from you.
Imagine that you can rise slightly above your personality, to access your essence-self. This essence-self is permissive, available, authentic; it’s not a holy or beatific presence. It’s the aggregate of the personality and its higher level perspective.
In that place of awareness, you get it out – what would you say if there were no rules of conduct? If you could speak your mind fully without guilt, shame, fear or self-judgment? What do you wish that ‘other’ could hear, without talking back, defending or blaming? That’s what you say. All of it. Repeatedly if need be. Daily. Hourly. Every 32 minutes – whenever it needs to happen.
You can also use the conversation to express the vision you are holding of the dissolution process and its outcomes.
And you imagine that your point of view is picked up, heard and becomes part of ‘other’s lexicon and frame of awareness. Because it does – his essence will get the message.
Chakra Khan, you might ask, is this a spiritual process? Am I eroding my ability to live a spiritual, whole, authentic life if I take every last pot shot I need to take to get it out of my system and free myself of the negative emotions, the anger, the disappointment, the crazyinmybones rage I’m feeling right now?
Here’s the thing. CK truly, deeply, to the bottom of her feet believes, knows and trusts that EVERYTHING is spiritual. Everything that takes place – thoughts, feelings, actions, responses, resistance, negative emotions, negative intent, dumb decisions, brainless blunders, missteps, oopses and all other things are ultimately spiritual.
Spiritual doesn’t necessarily mean ‘pretty, chaste and pure.’ Spiritual means real. And having been there, CK knows that divorce is a big dose of real.
I remember the time when I screamed at my ex-husband as we were arguing (again) about some issue where we were polarized in our points of view – ‘I divorced you because we couldn’t agree on this THEN, why are we talking about it again NOW?’
Thankfully, shortly thereafter I learned the psychic conversation skill. And converse I did. For months (in truth, years) I let the man have it with both barrels fully loaded. I never let the guy get a word in edgewise – it was MY psychic conversation, what did I care about what he might say?
Until one day, after a particularly vehement session, I had this sense that the man had something to say, and I was spent enough to listen. In MY psychic conversation, inside MY very own head, MY essence-self became aware that HIS essence-self wanted me to know one thing. It went like this… ‘well, Jill, you weren’t that easy to live with either.’
Good point. Duly noted. Truly stated. It takes two to tango.
And in that moment, I let go. I stopped. Nothing left to say. Instead, I took up the work of doing my work. On me. And my stuff.
Blessed release. True acceptance. And a complete lack of attachment. We truly separated – long after our divorce.
Today he and I are friends. We co-parented. We stopped fighting.
This couple who are living under the same roof as they dissolve their legal union have my full compassion. And my hope is that they will talk it out – psychically – and in so doing, find the ways to agree on how to truly separate.
Keep your energy flowing!