Two on the Inside
I’ve spent the last 30 years dancing with an inner conflict. There are two of me in there, and they have different values and points of view. When one of them makes a choice, the other goes bonkers. Bonkers!
If the other self makes a decision, its opposite goes wild.
Bonkers. Wild. What’s a gal to do?
I’ll tell you how I navigate my dual (not dueling) selves. But first, I’m going to come clean and tell you who I am.
I’m a nester
Home and hearth are important to me. I can be a homebody, spending days at a time alone, quietly tucked in. I’m a bit of a neatnik. I cleaned my bathtub and refrigerator, made up my bed with fresh sheets before leaving town for 3 weeks. Why? Because my nester loves coming home to a clean house!
I’m a nomad
I love to travel. To go away for lengthy periods of time – and BE someplace else. To live in the rhythm of my life in unfamiliar places. To streamline and live out of one small suitcase – for weeks at a time! Where to next? is my first thought when I arrive back home after time away.
See the Conflict?
Leaving home is excruciating. I dread packing, leaving, flying away from the nest. AND…
I thrive on adventure, the open road, being fluid, mobile and unfettered.
Navigating My Selves
What I’ve learned is that each aspect of my personality is equally valid. There’s nothing wrong with either one of my selves. They both deserve the care and feeding of conscious awareness.
Acknowledging that my homebody revolts when my suitcase comes out of the closet, I’ve learned to pack steadily, over several days. It gives my nest-builder a focus – creating a portable nest. I assemble things slowly. The suitcase rolls out the day before I leave, but my nester has been busily preparing for several days. And I clean, organize, prepare for my homecoming. Very pleasing.
My nomad amps up as I begin to establish a pile of packables. I research and choose things I want to see or do while I’m away. I notify my personal trainers of my pending departure. Somehow that makes leaving real. I cultivate my excitement about Elsewhere. I am joyous and anticipatory.
Acknowledging Opposite Polarities
I used to feel pulled and torn by my opposing points of view. I wondered how I could stuff both of these very strong impulses inside of my being. I felt secretly less than – it can’t be right to be equally pulled by these dual forces!
When I acknowledged the validity and veracity of both sides of me, I relaxed. And I found a way to be in harmony in duality. By taking my time to leave and researching where I am going as I am leaving.
Perhaps an odd combination – but it works for me.
The Truth of the Matter
This post is not really about my nesting/nomadic tendencies.
It’s about inner conflict. And finding a way to respect and acknowledge that conflicting selves are valid, hold truths and need not be overridden. It is possible to live in a both/and awareness. And it’s ultimately freeing and liberating to own full selfhood.
May I Ask?
Are you conscious of your conflicting selves? What ways do you find to validate, harmonize and love your full self?